Chaos, Roommates & Matrimony
by YunCyn
Summary: OOCness with no point. So... Hakkai's doing WHAT?


**Chaos, Roommates & Matrimony**

-ººº-

"Where is Hakkai?!" asked Goku for the sixteenth time in the past half hour as he paced about the room.

Sanzo, smoking his twelfth cigarette inhaled the smoke, letting the nicotine calm him down enough so he wouldn't murder his ward. "For the sixteenth and last time, Goku, **I**.** Don't**.** Know**."

Gojyo looked up from his own seat on the couch, also smoking. "He said he'd be back around three with "Important and critical news." Gojyo rolled his eyes. "It's already five."

"But it's not like Hakkai to be late!!" protested Goku. "He isn't like you or Sanzo!!"

Throb throb. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Question goes unanswered. "And he didn't even take Hakuryu with him! He took a taxi! A **taxi**!!!"

A mournful "Kyuuu…" seconded that.

"And I'm hungry and he's the only one who can make good enough ramen!!"

Gojyo was tempted to throw the ashtray at Goku, ashes and cigarette butts included, just to get the saru to shut up. He too was rather rattled by Hakkai's overdue return to the house. It certainly wasn't like his green-eyed friend.

"Will you just shaddap?! He'll come back when he wants to! Saru!"

"I am NOT a saru!"

"Only monkeys repeat a single question for a whole hour!! Because they're too DUMB to do anything else!!"

Goku bounded across the room, jumped Gojyo and was in the midst of strangling him. "TAKE THAT BACK, KONO ERO GOKIBURI!!! TAKE BACK THOSE WORDS YOU STUPID COCKROACH!!!"

"NEVER, KONO BAKA SARU!!"

Both started wrestling and punching each other as they rolled around trying to tear each other's throats apart. Some vases crashed to the floor and several pictures were rattled off the wall. The wall trembled at the amount of physical violence that was going on. It seemed like a WWE match with actual fighting going on.

Of course, the Gojyo VS. Goku match was abruptly halted in a very unorthodox manner.

***THWACK!* **"_YOU IRRITATING IDIOTIC ASSHOLES!!!_" ***BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! **"_YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE THE SIZE OF TOGENKYO!!_" ***THWACK!! THWACK!!* **_"AND THAT RACKET'S DRIVING ME CRAZY SO SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU FREAKS OF NATURE!!!"_ ***BLAM!! BLAM!! BLAM!! BLAM!!* **

**CRASH! BAM! KER-PIAAANG!**

…

…

…

_Creeeeeeak. _

"Tadai-" Hakkai stared at the chaos. Fallen pictures, broken vases, several sun spotlights streaming in through the new holes in the roof, a hole in the television set…it took a while for the steam (from Gojyo and Goku's skulls as well as Sanzo's head) and the dust that had arisen from the fallen plaster and roof tiles to clear.

"Ma…"

The monk standing with his temper barely under control turned, his hands dangerously clutching the harisen and the gun in both hands.

"_Where. Have. You. Been?" _grated the monk with his eyes flashing like a lightning storm ready to strike any unfortunate soul that happened to be in the way.

Hakkai knew now was one of those times where one had to choose one's words _extreeeeeeemely _carefully if you didn't have a wish to go and meet your Maker in some uncomfortable manner.

Meaning give a very good excuse or you can expect to see yourself sleeping with the fishes.

Or get eaten by shrimp after Sanzo had finished with you.

"….um…ahhahaha…" Hakkai sweat dropped as he gave what he hoped to be a pacifying smile. "M, maybe you better sit down first…"

Sanzo gave Hakkai yet another one of his silent death threats and stomped off to a chair. Hakkai hurried over to Goku and Gojyo who were gibbering behind the couch in the fetal position.

"Goku? Gojyo? Daijoubu desu ka?"

"Harisen." Gojyo winced as he said it.

Goku trembled as he whimpered out, "Shourejyu."

"Come on, guys, it's okay. Sanzo…" Hakkai looked up to see Sanzo puffing on a new cigarette stick. "He's smoking. That's a good sign. Come on."

"Whacked us-"

"Nearly killed us-"

"Our very LIVES-"

"Barely escaped-"

"Get out from behind the couch or I start shooting again."

***Woosh!* **

Hakkai sweat dropped to see Gojyo and Goku take off like a shot and sit on the dining room chairs opposite Sanzo. Nevertheless, he took a seat.

"Explain."

Hakkai took in a breath. A long, deep, I-don't-know-whether-you're-gonna-like-what-I'm-about-to-tell-you-but-I'll-tell-you-anyways breath.

"I proposed to Yuriko."

"She said yes."

…

…

…

**Ping!**

"…did anyone drop a pin?"

Gojyo, after he'd finished staring at Hakkai like a goggled eyed fish, cleared his throat. "Okay, explain again. But in full detail."

Hakkai sweat dropped. "I asked Yuriko to marry me and…she agreed."

"And this is the important and critical thing you had to tell us?"

"…yes?"

Sanzo picked up his cigarette from the floor. It'd dropped there when his jaw fell open slightly at Hakkai's calm and short announcement that he was going to be married to a girl he'd known for about three months. "…and you're getting married when?"

"…tomorrow? At eight in the morning?"

Gojyo raised an eyebrow. "I take it that this won't be a big splashy wedding."

"Just us two with you three and Yuriko's two cousins."

Sanzo elevated an eyebrow of his own. "…and exactly who will be conducting the ceremony?"

Hakkai gave Sanzo his best pleading, you-gotta-help me expression. "You?"

Sanzo was about to reply when something that resembled an explosion of an atomic bomb occurred from beside Gojyo.

"**_YOU DID WHAT?!_**"

Hakkai winced.

"YOU CAN'T GET MARRIED!! YOU CAN'T!! WHO'LL FEED US?! WHO'LL TAKE CARE OF THE SHOPPING AND STUFF?! WHO'LL FEED US!? WHO'LL TAKE CARE OF **HAKURYU-**"

"Kyuu?"

"WHO'LL WASH THE CLOTHES AND WATER THE GARDEN!? WHO'LL FEED US? WHO'S GONNA CALM SANZO DOWN WHEN HE GOES NUTSO?!!? WHO'S GONNA CLEAN UP GOJYO WHEN HE DROPS HIS CIGARETTE ASHES ALL OVER THE FLOOR?!! WHO'LL **FEED **US?!! WHO'LL FEED **ME**?!!!!"

…

…

Gojyo looked at Goku. "Are you finished?"

Goku gulped down a bottle of water and took a deep breath. "Yes."

Gojyo nodded then turned back to Hakkai. "What Goku said."

Hakkai sweat dropped some more. "I will be taking Hakuryu with me and I'll be moving out with Yuriko to an apartment nearby. As for who's taking over my chores and duties around here…" Hakkai gave them a please-try-to-understand smile. "You could always learn to do it or hire a maid…"

Sanzo sighed and put out his cigarette. "Tomorrow at eight, you are going to get married to a girl whom you've known for three months and moving out. Leaving me and the two idiots here to sort ourselves out. Is that what you're trying to tell us?"

"And to ask you to conduct the ceremony and Goku and Gojyo to be my best men?"

"…"

Gojyo shook his head and smiled. He took Hakkai's hand and shook it. "Congratulations, buddy."

-ººº-

Sanzo **stared**, the door swinging open to reveal what he was seeing at the moment**. **

He couldn't believe it.

His mind could hardly grasp what his eyes were projecting to his brain.

But slowly, the fact sunk in. VERY slowly.

This was a result of leaving Goku and Gojyo alone in the house for a week while he went on a mandatory lecture trip round some temples. Not that he had done any lecturing but still _this_ was unbelievable.

The door had swung open to show a _wall_, an actual two feet thick _wall_ made out of dirty laundry and dirty dishes stained with sauces of every kind. Even the windows had dirty underwear stuck to it, blocking any possible view into the inside. The small garden could now be called a miniature swamp. Sanzo swore he saw something move under the muck that was festering where there used to be green grass.

This wasn't possible, thought Sanzo. Unfortunately, the sight (and the stench) was there in plain sight.

The whole place had given new meaning to the word filth.

Taking in a deep breath to fill his lungs, Sanzo opened his mouth.

"**WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?!!**"

A muffled answer came from behind the wall of laundry and muck. "We didn't know how to get the washing machine to work."

Another muffled voice that sounded like Goku resounded. "And the kitchen sink tap leaked until it ran outta water so we couldn't wash anything in it!"

Sanzo glanced around, grateful that the pathway was only overgrown with dark green evil looking weeds that seemed to have black tipped thorns on them. At least he could still stand on the concrete. Not for long if this keeps up though, thought Sanzo as he squashed a weed that seemed to be advancing onto his feet. "…Explain the garden."

Gojyo's voice projected the redhead's cringe. "We couldn't get out of the doorway since we'd piled all the dirty clothes there till it became some sort of…barrier. So, we couldn't get out to tend to the garden. Then, the SARU had the bright idea of watering the plants from inside the house."

"Which was a GOOD idea!!!"

"Until we realized all we were watering was the dirt since all the plants had died."

"Then, the _weeds_ started infesting the place!"

"I can see that." **Stomp!** Another weed bit the dust. "Don't you idiots know how to use your weapons!?"

Gojyo's voice was indignant. "The shakujou and the saru's Nyoibou are way too above this! Our weapons are meant for kicking youkai ass not whacking down a wall made out of laundry and whacking stupid weeds!!"

"They didn't work, did they?"

"No…" moaned Goku pathetically.

"_Mataku_…" muttered Sanzo as he kicked away yet another weed that seemed to want Sanzo's legs for goodness-knows-what reason. "If this is what happens only a week after Hakkai goes and gets married, god knows WHAT will happen in a year…!"

"I heard that, SANZO!"

"Sanzo, tasukete na...!!"

"You idiots got yourselves into this mess, you dig yourselves out!"

"But we've been clawing at this stupid wall for four days!!! There's no end to it!!"

"Then, use your teeth too, kono baka WAAAARGGHH!!!"

SPLOOSH!

"**_!$#&^%&*#$^ WEEDS! GET THE #(*&$#&^%*&$ OFF ME!! LET ME GO! !#$%^&*)(! WEEDS!!_**"

"The _WEEDS_ got him!?!!"

"DIG, GOJYO!! DIG!!"

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!**"

"SANZO!! SANZO!!"

The monk sat up in fright, eyes wide. Around him, were Hakkai, Gojyo and Goku, all with their weapons on hand.

"Daijoubu desu ka, Sanzo!? You were yelling like you were being killed!" said Hakkai anxiously.

Vein throbbing, Sanzo reached out and grabbed Hakkai by the collar.

"If you **_EVER_ **get married without telling us at least _SIX _months beforehand, I **_SWEAR_ **I'll kill you!! Are we _clear_?"

"Uh….hai…"

Sanzo looked mightily relieved. "Good." Sanzo released Hakkai's shirt collar, got out of his bed and headed for the bathroom. Hakkai exchanged stares with Gojyo and Goku.

"?!!!"

**End.**

**A/N:** PLEASE don't ask… -_______-;;;;


End file.
